its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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