He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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