I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
