I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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