Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
