Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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