apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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