And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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