You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
