Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
