Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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