Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you still have your period?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
