quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
