I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
