Will you blow on my dice?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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