Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
