my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
