i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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