im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
