I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
