It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
