My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
