Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
