Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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