Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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