My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
