Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
