Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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