I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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