Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
