Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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