I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
false alarm. still invincible.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
