i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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