Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Terrible idea I love it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
