Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
