THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
