god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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