I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
