theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize