just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
