if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
