dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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