**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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