What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
