Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
