even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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