Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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