Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
