also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
