This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
