I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
